http://michelleakj.com
27.4.15 Trauma
I have talked about a traumatic experience I've had in a past relationship with evidence in photos and a video summarizing it where you can click here for the blog post and here for the video.
I am lucky with the people around me who cared and supported me, I headed towards recovery very quickly. Eight months wasn't a long time but the first five months was enough to tear me apart emotionally and the next three after was enough for me to get back up to gasp for air.
I knew what was right but a voice in my head (not literally) was telling me to just accept that I will never be enough because I'm the cause to all problems -- that was the hardest part -- to fight a war with yourself, doesn't matter if you win or lose because you'll still be half the loser at the end.
Certain things will still trigger my fear but I am so glad to have found the man (a man with a penis attached) who respects me wholeheartedly and whom I am able to respect with love. Thank you. So damn much.
I am lucky with the people around me who cared and supported me, I headed towards recovery very quickly. Eight months wasn't a long time but the first five months was enough to tear me apart emotionally and the next three after was enough for me to get back up to gasp for air.
I knew what was right but a voice in my head (not literally) was telling me to just accept that I will never be enough because I'm the cause to all problems -- that was the hardest part -- to fight a war with yourself, doesn't matter if you win or lose because you'll still be half the loser at the end.
Certain things will still trigger my fear but I am so glad to have found the man (a man with a penis attached) who respects me wholeheartedly and whom I am able to respect with love. Thank you. So damn much.
21.4.15 Grievance
I wasn't brave enough to get out. I felt helpless, hopeless, trapped, abused, horrified, worthless for months.
Comes to a point where all we want is to survive. I'd like to believe that some abusers abuse you without even realizing if the abuse isn't physical. You can also actually google about why victims return to their abusers. You can say it's all in my head but you ought to know that if I was in such deep fear, you bet it's not just in my fucking head.
I am blogging this not to flame anyone, I just want to share my experience and hopefully help someone. Times when people tell me they have no choice, I'd always say everybody has a choice. Well, not for this matter. Despite having people wanting to help me, I tell them it's okay because I don't want to make things worse because I am afraid.
I have never gotten a panic attack my whole life no matter how anxious I got but have had so many of them throughout that time frame. It may not seem like the maximum of torture-ment or abuse but it did affect my life. I fear. I don't feel safe at all. I thought to myself, I can't go to the police because 01. it'll ruin the other's life and 02. what will the case be? but my life is on the line.
Don't tell me you won't kill me then do or say something to make me feel so damn threatened.
P.S: Please scroll all the way down to see the few screenshots of conversation of earlier in the relationship.
I get fired at by her when I say I'm not free, let alone if I change plans last minute like that like her.
Despite those, I still help all I can.
I can never say no.
I did make things clear.
I don't know man.
HOW THE FUCK WOULD I KNOW?
I can't ignore.
I had enough.
Earlier into the relationship. Few months in.
When has saying "I love you" became a way to wish for an argument to stop? Only then.
So did I really loved her? Was it just infatuation when I fought with friends and family in the beginning?
Here's a conversation between her & my friend
Thereafter I sent out screenshots of the "robot" conversation,
Needless to say, I was fucked right over while she was trying to get my friend to be on her side.
To think of the most ridiculous assumption before it even happens, I used retouch from iPhoto to get rid of the face (for her to have some value to keep and for us to not see something that can't be unseen). Blogging up till this point, all the gratitude aside, I am utterly disgusted by her.
Note: I never wanted to put our faces as the background wallpaper for whatsapp. I don't have that tingly feeling enough for me to want to do so. Thank you very much.
That said, I don't hate her because hating is so tiring. I'm just really disgusted. Not so much that I'd wish death upon her, that's just nasty but I wish for her to get what she deserves - the good and the bad.
Last but not least FINALLY, "fuck you too" (in the most angry tone humanly possible) but thanks for the precious lesson, I would never want to go through that again.
Comes to a point where all we want is to survive. I'd like to believe that some abusers abuse you without even realizing if the abuse isn't physical. You can also actually google about why victims return to their abusers. You can say it's all in my head but you ought to know that if I was in such deep fear, you bet it's not just in my fucking head.
I am blogging this not to flame anyone, I just want to share my experience and hopefully help someone. Times when people tell me they have no choice, I'd always say everybody has a choice. Well, not for this matter. Despite having people wanting to help me, I tell them it's okay because I don't want to make things worse because I am afraid.
I have never gotten a panic attack my whole life no matter how anxious I got but have had so many of them throughout that time frame. It may not seem like the maximum of torture-ment or abuse but it did affect my life. I fear. I don't feel safe at all. I thought to myself, I can't go to the police because 01. it'll ruin the other's life and 02. what will the case be? but my life is on the line.
Don't tell me you won't kill me then do or say something to make me feel so damn threatened.
P.S: Please scroll all the way down to see the few screenshots of conversation of earlier in the relationship.
I get fired at by her when I say I'm not free, let alone if I change plans last minute like that like her.
Despite those, I still help all I can.
I can never say no.
I did make things clear.
I don't know man.
HOW THE FUCK WOULD I KNOW?
I can't ignore.
I had enough.
When has saying "I love you" became a way to wish for an argument to stop? Only then.
So did I really loved her? Was it just infatuation when I fought with friends and family in the beginning?
Here's a conversation between her & my friend
Thereafter I sent out screenshots of the "robot" conversation,
Needless to say, I was fucked right over while she was trying to get my friend to be on her side.
To think of the most ridiculous assumption before it even happens, I used retouch from iPhoto to get rid of the face (for her to have some value to keep and for us to not see something that can't be unseen). Blogging up till this point, all the gratitude aside, I am utterly disgusted by her.
Note: I never wanted to put our faces as the background wallpaper for whatsapp. I don't have that tingly feeling enough for me to want to do so. Thank you very much.
That said, I don't hate her because hating is so tiring. I'm just really disgusted. Not so much that I'd wish death upon her, that's just nasty but I wish for her to get what she deserves - the good and the bad.
Last but not least FINALLY, "fuck you too" (in the most angry tone humanly possible) but thanks for the precious lesson, I would never want to go through that again.