18.10.12 Uncertain

I was so sloppy and awkward that day. I was accompanied by my childhood friend so I didn't care about how bad I look because I just hope that day will end quickly because someone told me I was sent to school to study, not to make friends. Can't remember who that was but that sentence left a great impact on my life really, changed the way I see the school life. So I wasn't holding onto anything (like how girls want to be school popular when they first stepped in college, or like how famous girls in college are targeting to get all the cute guys) when class started and I know no one, except for some old schoolmates that we don't talk but I thought, at least I "know" someone there.

Saw him there and I thought to myself while I was still trying to get used to weird stares because I joined the class later than most people, why didn't I bother to make myself a little bit more presentable. You know what they say, first impressions.

Dramas after dramas but it's all cool now and I'm happy that the misunderstanding is over, apparently someone in that group that I was in told them I bad mouth about them which isn't true at all. It's hard to explain when you didn't do anything wrong and got accused then when you tried to explain, it just cut deeper but to be honest, I never and didn't regret a minute of getting into this course, this class. I actually think it's the best class I could ever ask for.

How many times have I cried over boys this year making it seem like I've fallen for so many guys (different time) in that short half year? No, not for relationship kind of boys but I feel like I've wasted so much tears on someone out of my class who also, wasted my time. I'm SO glad that it was over.

Went back to school, looking at him, recalling what went through my mind when I first saw him just sitting there. I'm sure this time, it's not my mind that is playing tricks on me but my dreams are confusing me. They are confusing me. He is confusing me. Actually no, he's not confusing me. I'm confusing myself thinking that he's feeling something. I'm always giving myself false hopes. Always.

Everything aside, the thought of this year coming to an end is scaring me. I don't want all this to end, I don't want to have other people from other classes to be my classmates than the ones I have now, I don't want everything to come to an end. I feel like I'm a Cinderella except for the fact that I don't have a prince charming to lose. But I'm going to lose a swam of people. Yes, we can still meet they say. But you really think so? It will never be the same again...


Seems like we're just classmates, not even friends but..


I'll try, maybe.