I have been slacking off. I have been walking down the memory lane from letters to really old blog posts talking about boys, talking about love like dude I should still be watching cartoons or worrying about which shade of orange should I fill the sun in. I would cringe even more if I'm able to find what I'm looking for from early 2009.
You do the math on how young I was. Knowing that I'm turning twenty this year scares the shit out of me. I'm not afraid of getting old, I'm afraid of failure or not accomplishing anything as I age. Anyway my time will come where I have to face the cold reality of a working life and I'm already hating it.
When will I learn to stop getting out of topic? I'm not here to talk about how much I hate life. I want to read on this post again some time maybe 5 years later knowing how I was feeling writing this and see if anything changed for the better. You guessed it - I'm going to talk about my life. What's new?
Since I was a kid, I told everybody that my ideal age of getting married is 25. Five years to me - to know someone new, to build trust on that new person and all that kinda stuff is impossible. Through the years I've come to realization that I need not hit my ideal age of marriage because well, you'll find out why.
It's time I settle down. On and offs are crazy tiring and to clarify, not marriage, not yet. Also because of that, I fear of getting into another one knowing that this time, I will be giving my all because I'm at the age where I feel like it's all or nothing. As much as I want to have a place to call home with a lovely husband, I'm not ready to get married just 5 years in a relationship (through hearing the sound of a 5-year-relationship that is) or even less and definitely not ready to go through 9 months of endurance in having a baby.
I guess I just hope that my next relationship to be as real as it can be and possibly last through the different processes of life but still, I'm scared. I don't know how else to express my fear. I'm basically living in a life full of fear right now so.
On another note, I hate growing up as a whole. You'll learn that things happened and since it's already over, you can't do shit but to get the hell over it. Hi world, I'm sorry I almost forgot I'm already 20. I would say fuck everyone and everything but really, it's just me.
I don't know anymore. Do I ever? I am so fucking sorry but I don't know why anything could still ache my heart.
I'm sorry this post took a huge turn and became a fuck-filled one. I apologize. I guess we'll just see how things go.
Smile. Smile. Smile. Be happy Michelle.
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